I can feel the tendrils of disparity
Clawing at the under belly of rage
Spattering the fogged window of clarity
Shattering the frosted exterior of your self
I can smell the fumes of regret
Engulfing the lungs of impurity.
Poisoning the mind to forget,
The repeat of last time.
I can taste your lips on my breath.
The pseudo essence of care
The decrepit and boredom crest
I will close my eyes to the taint.
I know that this was all it was.
A plague of misconception.
I wish it was more than what it was.
I wouldn’t move heaven, I wouldn’t move earth.
But I’d be there for you.
Even if you don’t want me to.
As our fingers brush, bristle against each other like blades of grass buffeted by harsh breeze. My heart breaks.
I will not let you stop me.
The tendrils of emotion circle my motionless corpse at night, reminding me the noise of my nemesis. Tick, tock, tick, tock.
I will not let you drop me.
The concrete safety nestled in my heart as I watch you sleep turns into a blade, cauterising my thoughts of leaving. I want you.
Should I stay?
My dream of experiencing the world, encountering new and astounding people crumbles before me, like a castle on the brink of a cliff. Teetering on the cliff of sacrifice.
It’s you I want.
Versus the image of constructing a stable life with you by my side. Your long blonde hair billowing, leaving an essence of your scent lingering on my nose. Pure ecstasy.
I am torn.
Giving up the one I love for the life I want.
To have the courage to be imperfect.
That’s what it means.
To expose our vulnerabilities to those around us.
Showing them the cracks in our positive masks.
That’s what it means.
To know that no-one is alright.
Ever since ignorance was stripped from us.
Ever since we opened our eyes to the true terror of the world.
That’s what it means.
The harsh reality that our mortality is the reason we treasure everything so dearly.
That very own mortality being snuffed out like a flame by those who exploit life.
We are glass. We are delicate. We are the sands that sweep past your feet. We are part of this world and we will not be ignored.
That what it means.
What it means to be human.
I just want to hum back to yesterday.
Feel the breeze of music on my skin.
The beat pressing on my arms.
The shivers of cool strings washed blue.
Drinking in the company. Smiling with true gusto.
Sun kissed. She dances. The music bouncing off her. Love drunk. I’m seeing her non-stop. She dances.
What am I doing? She is my ecstasy. Pupils large drinking in the company.
I just want to live with yesterday my paradise.
Feeling the sweet music of life in my heart.
Her beat in my arms, protected.
The shivers of voices reverberating my foundations.
Yet she dances.
As I close my eyes I fall. Down.
Through the words, voices, looks.
Her name, her eyes, her presence.
I plunge into the inky abyss.
The tundra of broken emotion.
Oxygen forms, choked by the virus of the heart
Speed gaining, blood draining.
I need, my wants, desires – yearns.
The air, water breathes on my skin.
Faster. Stop this virus. FURTHER. Which way out.
Deeper. Gasping, grasping. Down. Let me out.
Her smile. Faster. Her eyes. FURTHER. Her gaze. Deeper. Her laugh. Down. Her.faster.icantbreathe.com HTML.deeper.knivesstab/mylungs.drop.sullen-hollow_dead.
ENTER PIN: ___ FURTHER
Incorrect, please try again.
ENTER PIN: ___ FOR HER.
One more attempt.
ENTER PIN: ___ HER.
“Play it cool” the words reverberate in my head as I choke.
The beating of heart skips one. The heat on my neck shivers.
“Everything is fine” the voice returns as I tremble.
The blood tastes putrid. My heart skips two..
“Don’t screw it” whispered as if fading, leaving me defenceless. “You got this”
It’s definitely blood. I swallow. The inside of my mouth swells. My breath leaving wisps of smog as I exhale.
“Fucking say something” 30 seconds, 40 seconds pass. Silence and smoke from sodden breath. My heart skips three…
‘Well, see you’ spluttered, mumbled… Pathetic. Her hair sailing through the harsh breeze. My heart skips four….
“Could’ve gone worse”
You’ve made me an insomniac.
Your exposure lingers on my mind. Your words conjure the wind. The smile that turns cruel men kind.
I remain static, awake, disturbed. Listening to the beating of my heart. Shackling it with logic, binding it with sanity.
Looking for an exit.
But I am of two minds. Torn between disaster and humiliation. As I yearn, it yearns – trying to be heard.
Imprisonment is my best bet, burying it under my ego. It infuriates me. I was so proud, so strong, so careful.
Yet my control wanes and I worry that it will show through my mask.
One made paper thin for a temporary solution.